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The other day, I was sitting around the house watching an old John Wayne movie when a commercial from one of those fancy pharmaceutical companies came on.
"Ask your doctor if Flamboozical is right for you!" the announcer said, as if he were the ring man at a county fair.
Hmm. This sounds pretty good. The commercial showed a couple who had apparently just taken a big dose of Flamboozical, and were able to scale the side of a mountain without breaking a sweat. (I've always wanted to go mountain climbing, but always considered myself too fat.)
So, I decided to ask my doctor if Flamboozical was right for me. "Well, Mr. Wells, unless you're suffering from premenstrual bloating and cramps, Flamboozical isn't for you," he said with a frown.
Oops. So much for mountain climbing.
Whatever happened to people getting sick, going to the doctor and the doctor prescribing what's right for that particular illness? Thanks to these pharmaceutical company ads, you can now diagnose your own illness from watching television and choose what drug is right for you.
Until those Zoloft and Paxil commercials came along, I never knew I was depressed. I just thought I got the blues once in a while.
Until the "purple pill" Nexium came along, I always thought I had a little heartburn now and then. Now, I'm scared to death that If I don't take it, my esophagus will rot out after eating a big load of corned beef and cabbage.
I used to think my back ached once in a while from lifting heavy stuff in and out of my pickup truck. Now, after watching those Vioxx commercials, I'm afraid my joints will lock up at any moment, and I'll spend the rest of my life in a body cast if I don't start taking Vioxx.
I guess there's some law that makes these prescription drug makers tell you about the possible side effects of their medication. After hearing that part of the commercial, I'm surprised they're able to sell a single dose of their product.
"Hoombazine may not be right for everyone. Some side effects include nausea, vomiting, splitting headaches, the lessening of the marital impulse, the shakes, sweating, heavy breathing, diarrhea, bowed legs, loss of spousal consortium, rash, double vision, hair loss, bad breath or death. Consult your physician if you experience any of these symptoms." Whew! Keep that stuff away >from me.
I still don't know what Wellbutrin is used for. The announcer never really comes right out and tells you. Should I ask my doctor if it's right for me? Unless it can cure a bad case of the heebie-jeebies from watching too many prescription drug commercials, I'm not interested.
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