Scared and Angry

“Still telling my story! And will til I see the drug companies accountable!”


The drugs that I’m concerned about are anti-depressants because of my experience. I was on Welbutrin when a dermatologist (having just been given a list of the drugs I was taking) gave me two cortisone shots not knowing my reaction. Apparently cortisone shots make me Manic. Not knowing of this effect and complaining to my Psychiatrist (who did not know of my shots) of effects I was experiencing that were similar to severe depression, this Doctor changed me to Prozac where I became Psychotic and Manic.

I endured this state juggling my family and my work for a year and a half before another Doctor recognized my reactions and brought me down finally after anti convulsive / anti seizural drugs didn’t work, with an anti epileptic drug. Normalcy hit in 4-6 hours. I started to research my psychology book from college then went to the net. Boy did I get a big surprise. I owe that Doctor my life because than I learned more. This man took a chance. I’m glad that I didn’t disappoint him.

Now I look at people I used to relate with while in my Manic state who I know take these drugs and listen to one describe how she followed her son’s school trip after specifically being told she was not allowed to, 300 miles and watched her son from the shoreline with binoculars. I believe this is describing the term “Stalking”. Other people at work are in aggressed Manic states that drink while on the drugs as well as take illegal drugs on these drugs. Someone in a neighborhood who drinks and rages and ironically enough is on prescription Prozac – who has 11 loaded rifles sitting in his living room.

I’m scared and angry because the media has been squelched from reporting adequately incidents that are resulted from these drugs. Mothers killing babies. Fathers killing wives and children – or killing people at work. I am most angry with what my family – my children were subjected to while I was in this state.

Nobody listened to the controversy with the drugs that took limbs away from babies being born till thousands were born. Why are they going to listen about a Mother killing her children or an adolescent boy who kills his teacher? They’re responsible for their actions aren’t they. Regardless how bizarre and unusual these reactions used to be!

Now they’re advertising TIME-RELEASED Prozac How many of those people don’t drink or do illegal drugs or have an ignorant Doctor (where there seems to be many) giving them prescription medication that reacts to the anti-depressant?

They’re amazed at how “outgoing and social” these people become. That is until a gun is stuck in their face when a murder/suicide is about to occur. That will wake them up! It woke Phil Hartman up!!

Actually the doctors are dumping their patients once they realize their reactions. My first Doctor dumped me and left me “hanging” (actually I was choosing to consider razor blades at that time).

I wrote to Dr Tracy when I while recovering from trauma several years ago. Please let her know that I took responsibility for my “legally drugged involuntary” reactions and still have my family all in one piece and ironically enough my job. I toughed everything out and am getting my life back.

Karen Austin, TX



This is Survivor Story number 9.
Total number of stories in current database is 48

487 total views, no views today

Prozac nearly destroyed me.

“…my career, my entire family and almost all my friends abandoned me, and my health has been seriously compromised.”


In Feb. 2001 I had a severe psychotic reaction to Prozac that I barely survived. I became obsessive compulsive, extremely angry, paranoid, had racing and jumbled thoughts, etc… the result of this reaction was that I lost just about everything- all my money, almost all my possessions, my career, my entire family and almost all my friends abandoned me, and my health has been seriously compromised. I was dumped by my doctor ( he was my primary care physician- the HMO “Connecticare” could not provide me with a therapist (!) so I had to use this doctor- and he dumped me with a certified letter when I went to see him after the reaction because I was “uncooperative”!!!!

I can give you all the details you want, but what I want the most is for someone or some organization to look into this horror and do something about it to force those involved to face the truth and compensate me for my losses. I have NO money, and I am exhausted from 1 1/2 years of trying to deal with all the loss. I have had NO success getting ANYONE to help me so far. I cannot follow the advice I have most often heard which is to “let it go” because this was too painful and I almost did not survive.

I have never had this severe a problem in my life and I hope that you will be able help or at least refer me to someone who can.

I am 46 years old and I have been struggling and mostly succeeding with a 30 year battle with “mental illness”- I had not been on ANY medication for 7 years prior to taking the Prozac out of desperation- I had been doing well using alternative health methods. My story is one of extreme prejudice against me based on fear of “mental illness” and the refusal of almost all parties involved to look at the truth and at the evidence.

thank you for your attention



This is Survivor Story number 14.
Total number of stories in current database is 48

431 total views, no views today

Alcohol Cravings and Panic Attacks Just the Beginning

“It is a shame the way “trusted’ medical practioners can be so quick to cram drugs down one’s throat. I feel very betrayed.”


I was first prescribed Prozac seven years ago, for depression. I was 23, and suddenly on my own with three young children. The Prozac helped me in some ways, brought me out of my depressed seclusion, I was able to get myself dressed in the mornings and resume a somewhat normal life… but very quickly, the state of energetic happiness turned into an almost overnight tango with alcoholism, I found myself craving alcohol, drinking large amounts…becoming sexually promiscuous, making absurdly disastrous decisions and acting quite impulsively. I also experienced the most SEVERE panic attack in my LIFE!!! I quit Prozac after eight months, I don’t recall much withdrawal, except I was being prescribed Xanax for my now constant panic attacks, and I don’t remember much of that period of time.

So, off the Prozac, starting to get quite dependent on Xanax, my doctor thought perhaps Luvox might help. Well, it made me feel quite tightly strung. Wired. Second week into Luvox, I broke into an odd, hysterical laughter that I couldn’t stop. Nothing was funny, it was very strange. I was terrified, stopped Luvox right then and there…without doctor’s consent.

I went back to seeing a psychiatrist, trying to find a way to get off the Xanax…I was taking too many, and it seemed like the rebound effect of the Xanax was causing panic attacks themselves. Plus, I was still on my own, trying to be fully functional for my three children aged, at the time, two, almost four and eight.

“We” decided on Paxil, seemed safe enough, seemed a better alternative to the Xanax zombie state I was currently in. Started at twenty milligrams. Two years. It was great, although, I was gaining weight…developing some strange skin/vein issues and circulation problems in my hands and feet. Nothing that wasn’t somehow underplayed by my doctor. Then, I was unable to afford my prescription anymore. My maid job I had started disentitled me to any more prescription coverage through the Social Services program. Cold turkey. My goodness, it was so awful. I almost lost my job due to my poor performance during the months that followed. The vertigo was the worst for me…feeling like the floor was rushing to my face…the spinning sensation every time I tilted my head, face numbness, hands/feet numb, nausea, so many times I thought I was having a heart- attack.

The depression was horrible. I eventually became unemployed again, went back on Paxil. I couldn’t help it, I felt like perhaps I would never be normal again without an SSRI coursing through my bloodstream. So, back on Paxil.

After a while though, it was apparent that the 20 mg weren’t enough. Up to 30 mg now. Two years on 30mg. A few months ago, I decided that I have had enough, starting to show many signs of Cushing’s disease. Horrible circulation in my hands and feet, and although I am almost fifty pounds overweight, it is low-blood pressure I suffer from. I decided that if I can start making better decisions in life, and try to live healthier, perhaps I will be able to reduce the panic attacks, that thankfully, other than during p.m.s are quite scarce now. I have been cutting down ever so gradually over the past few months. I don’t know how to do it correctly, as I have not discussed this with my doctor. When I had mentioned to my doctor my many physical complaints…weight gain, bad circulation, etc…. and how after research I felt it may be attributed to the Paxil… she refused to consider it. She has sent me for numerous tests, incl. lupus, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, peripheral vascular disease…and others, the cortisol testing is the newest one. Everything else has come up normal. I have insisted that these could be contributed to Paxil, so she said, “Fine, perhaps Wellbutrin” and I said, “No, really, I don’t want anymore SSRI type meds…no meds period’!” we had a big argument. I stormed out. That was a few months ago … I still plan on getting my cortisol level tested.

Unfortunately, where I live has a very low percentage of doctors taking patients,,, many strikes going on, etc. Many people don’t even have family physicians… they are forced to use the walk-in clinics. So I haven’t found a new physician.

No matter what, I am staying off this time. I have to. During the periods of time I have been on SSRIs, my drinking increases…promiscuity….impulsive behaviour… although I must say, with Paxil it is MUCH more subtle than Prozac… it really affects your whole being. I am feeling pretty okay right now. Day to day. The numbness/pain in my hands and feet has much improved over the past few months…although, the vertigo is still annoying… I have simply been taking one every other day, then every two days, now one every four.

It is a shame the way “trusted’ medical practioners can be so quick to cram drugs down one’s throat. I feel very betrayed. Pharmaceutical companies must love depression and mental unhealth. It is what causes their great wealth. Thank you.

Shilo Magee



This is Survivor Story number 15.
Total number of stories in current database is 48

620 total views, no views today

Student Has Violent, Homicidal Thoughts on Prozac

“I imagined myself going into the kitchen, grabbing a knife and stabbing my mother.”


On my 19th birthday I was a silly boy and took an ecstasy tablet, and over the next few weeks suffered a type of drug-induced psychoses. I initially had false beliefs such as someone was going to kill me, and was generally paranoid. I quickly recovered after 10 days, but 3 weeks later thanks to Prozac, the worst was yet to come.

Instead of recovering from the ecstasy I did two University exams, which caused me to become psychotic again the next week. I had anxiety, felt out of touch with reality, I felt as though I did not exist and was depressed. My local GP thought I simply had depression and prescribed me 20mg Prozac per day. The next two nights I woke up in the middle of the night and felt as though I was in nightmare I couldn’t get out of.

After the third dose I felt absolutely terrible, the worst I have ever felt. I saw colours, and thought things like the next-door neighbour was a zombie. I drank water excessively. I thought it was just the ecstasy. All I could do was lie in my bed and wait for this to pass.

By evening I was really scared for no apparent reason, had nausea, a headache, could not eat a thing and the worst of all, everything in the room was overwhelming, and soon objects appeared to move from side-to-side, and my pink blanket was moving like an ocean. This must be similar to an experience on LSD. So I called my mother who is a nurse, and she thought that it could not possibly be the Prozac and suggested that I take the next dose. So I dimmed the lights and went to sleep.

The next morning I felt better and took the next dose. A few hours later I started to feel terrible again, and soon I had violent thoughts. I strongly imagined myself using a knife to harm my neighbours. It was terrible, the thoughts were so strong. I called my mother and told her and she came down and noticed how hot I felt. So she took me to the hospital. We managed to see a nurse who did a medical check-up. My blood pressure was extremely high (160). Being a Sunday we waited for 3 hours but saw no doctor and I started to feel better so we went home. I still had anorexia, was drinking excessively and had a rash.

The next morning I felt better for twenty minutes after waking up, then the strong violent thoughts returned. I imagined myself going into the kitchen, grabbing a knife and stabbing my mother. They were so terrible that I grit my teeth and had terrible muscle tremors. So we went to the hospital again and in my head going over and again was ‘Kill Kill Kill’. We saw a doctor and everything was fine medically except for my bilirubin levels, which is a substance produced by the liver. It is normally 25, but read over 90. Therefore my body could not break down Prozac.

We saw a psychiatrist who did not mention anything about the Prozac, and did not prescribe me any anti-psychotics. The next few nights I still felt terrible and had a sort of a manic-episode with racing thoughts and agitation. Two weeks later I had a check-up by the psychiatrist who prescribed me anti-psychotics, but my body could not handle them. Thus I was referred to a gastroenterolgist who said that my liver function was affected by the Prozac, and so I had to wait a month before I could take anti-psychotics.

3 months after the Prozac I still have not recovered and still have a long way to. I still have violent thoughts occasionally. Taking ecstasy and then the Prozac was not a good combination at all. Well, we all make mistakes.



This is Survivor Story number 18.
Total number of stories in current database is 48

565 total views, no views today

Amby Cole vs. Eli Lilly

Eli LillyAmby Cole vs. Eli Lilly

Lilly faces another Prozac lawsuit
Tennessee widow says husband hanged himself 13 days after drug was prescribed.

By Jeff Swiatek
The Indianapolis Star

The lawsuit, filed last week in U.S. District Court for the Western District of Tennessee, is the latest in more than 200 lawsuits against Prozac maker Eli Lilly and Co.  since the early 1990s.

Amby Cole vs. Eli Lilly


Lilly faces another Prozac lawsuit
Tennessee widow says husband hanged himself 13 days after drug was prescribed.,business

By Jeff Swiatek
The Indianapolis Star

To read the lawsuit go to:

A Tennessee woman charges that Prozac caused her husband to hang himself 13 days after being prescribed the drug by his cardiologist for chest pain and loss of weight.

The lawsuit, filed last week in U.S. District Court for the Western District of Tennessee, is the latest in more than 200 lawsuits against Prozac maker Eli Lilly and Co. since the early 1990s.

Plaintiff Amby Cole, joined by her two children, says in the lawsuit that Milton Cole’s death in June 2001 “fits the signature pattern” of suicide caused by the Prozac family of antidepressants.

Cole wasn’t seriously depressed or suicidal and “became nervous, jittery and aggravated” after taking Prozac, the lawsuit says.

The wrongful-death and product-liability lawsuit charges that Prozac causes violent side effects that are dose-related, but Lilly “chose not to pursue” a lower-dose Prozac and put a once-weekly version on the market only last year.

“Lilly did not start marketing a once-a-week Prozac until its patent rights had been adjudicated as over and it was threatened in the marketplace with a generic formulation,” the lawsuit says.

Lilly has always maintained that Prozac’s side effects don’t include suicidal or violent thoughts. In the only two Prozac civil suits to come to trial, juries have sided with Lilly.

Attorneys for plaintiffs in the latest suit are J. Houston Gordon of Covington, Tenn., and Andy Vickery of Houston. Call Jeff Swiatek at 1-317-444-6483.

Copyright 2002 The Indianapolis Star

770 total views, no views today

I’m Taking Myself off this Garbage

“Why are Dr.’s so quick to want to give you some kind of antidepressant?”


I have just finished reading the story you wrote about your son, Matthew. (“He Never Said Goodbye”–posted here.) My heart was so saddened. I am 42 years old and have in the past year and a half started experiencing problems of feeling really bad. I have gone to my OBGYN Dr. several times trying to find out what the problem is. She was quick to put me on a medication called Prozac. I cried when she said the word.

I am a person that has never been on medication and this was all foreign to me. I took it for 2 months and then took myself off. I thought…. I do not need this! So, a year later I went back to her for my yearly pap and checkup. I was and had been feeling REALLY bad for a long time at that point. She then put me on Wellbutrin. I have been on it for about 7 weeks. It only makes me feel worse.

So I went back to her last week and now she wants to try me on Effexor. I have been on the net looking for answers and that is where I found your story. I have been trying to talk myself off the Wellbutrin for the past week. It is giving me a really bad headache. I have cut down my pills from 2 a day to 1 a day. I am not taking the Effexor. All I have read has been horror stories about that medication. Why are Dr.’s so quick to want to give you some kind of antidepressant. She had done no blood work on me. Just said…. here, take this. At my last appointment with her she told me that is this last medicine did not work (Effexor), then I needed to see a 2002counselor. What is the deal!!! Is the world going crazy???? I need answers. My life is Really Good. I have a wonderful husband, and 4 wonderful children. We are a Christian family. My life is good. I am confused at this point.

I have another appointment with a General Dr. next week. Hopefully he can do something for me besides pushing anti depressants. Thank you so much for your story. After reading this, I know I am making the right decision of taking myself off this garbage and finding out what’s really wrong with me. Thank you so much!!!!

In God’s Love




This is Survivor Story number 29.
Total number of stories in current database is 48

581 total views, no views today

Insane Thoughts on Prozac

“It turned me into a junkie, waking up with shocks, nightmares, anxiety, panic…”


I am a 36-year old female, who has her own business and was prescribed Prozac by a psychiatrist for an anxiety disorder and obsessive traits. I was not told of the side effects, and was instructed to just take a quarter.

Within a year I was up to taking 3 & 1/2 as I found that if you do not take more and more, the side effects were worse than what I started with.

It turned me into a junkie, waking up with shocks, nightmares, anxiety, panic, and grabbing for the Prozac after eating immediately every morning.

I was an absolute wreck, having criminally insane thoughts and dreams, shaking, nausea, paranoia, anxiety and panic, I felt that it put me at a cross roads.

Do not take more and more, this is horrendous. Take less and taper off.

Its been two months and I’m still reclusive and suffering the described effects, but I have found that a chiropractor/ kinesiology/homeopath /craniologist has greatly assisted with natural alternatives and healing the symptoms.

I was diagnosed with too much adrenalin, as well my spine needed fixing as the nerves connected were also “not right.”

I was prescribed medicines that are slowly working with no side effects. I hope this helps.

K Jamieson



This is Survivor Story number 32.
Total number of stories in current database is 48

405 total views, 0 views today

3/26/2002 • Scientists find Prozac ‘link’ to brain tumours

3/26/2002 • Scientists find Prozac ‘link’ to brain tumours

Steve Connor
Science Editor


Scientists have discovered that Prozac, the antidepressant taken by millions of people around the world, may stimulate the growth of brain tumours by blocking the body’s natural ability to kill cancer cells.

Scientists find Prozac ‘link’ to brain tumours

Steve Connor
Science Editor


Scientists have discovered that Prozac, the antidepressant taken by millions of people around the world, may stimulate the growth of brain tumours by blocking the body’s natural ability to kill cancer cells.

An international team of researchers led by John Gordon, professor of immunology at Birmingham University, found evidence to suggest cancer cells can be killed by “positive thinking”, which could be blocked when people take Prozac.

The study, to be published in the journal Blood next week, examined the effects of Prozac and other antidepressants on a group of tumour cells growing in a test tube. The researchers found that the drug prevented the cancer cells from committing “suicide”, thereby leading to a more vigorous growth of the tumours.

Although an increased risk of cancer has not so far been detected in Prozac patients, the latest findings could lead to a global re-evaluation of the drug’s long-term safety.

Prozac, a “happiness pill” that was first approved in the United States in 1987, is widely used for the treatment of depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder and bulimia nervosa. Doctors in Britain issue about three million prescriptions for it each year and worldwide sales reached £1.8bn in 1999.

Professor Gordon, whose study was jointly funded by Birmingham University and the Medical Research Council, emphasised that the results of his study cannot be taken as proof that Prozac stimulates the growth of tumours.

He said: “Although that extrapolation could be valid, there is no direct evidence from large-scale epidemiological studies currently to back it up. However, it’s important that we look again and again.”

The research work was designed to find new ways of treating lymphomas, a type of blood cancer, by investigating how the brain communicates with the immune system to induce “positive thinking” through a neuro-transmitter in the brain called serotonin.

“Serotonin is a natural chemical that regulates people’s moods, keeping them balanced. Too much serotonin affects appetite and sleep and too little affects the mood – often causing depression,” Professor Gordon said.

Prozac, along with other members of the class of antidepressants known as selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs), works by preventing serotonin from being quickly reabsorbed by nerve cells in the brain.

The scientists tested other SSRIs such as Paxil and Celexa and found they, too, had the same effect in stimulating the growth of a type of tumour known as Burkitt’s lymphoma.

“An exciting property of serotonin is that it can tell some cells to self-destruct. We have found that serotonin can get inside the lymphoma cells and instruct them to commit suicide, thereby providing the potential for an effective therapy,” Professor Gordon said.

The researchers found that Prozac blocked the entry of serotonin into the test-tube tumour cells and therefore stopped them from committing suicide. That raised the question of whether Prozac can do the same in the brains of people taking the drug.

Professor Gordon said it was still premature to suggest that the drug was unsafe. “We must stress the effects shown for the SSRI on cancer cells is indirect and should cause no concern whatsoever to the many millions of people throughout the world who are prescribed this class of antidepressants,” he said.

Further work is underway to test Prozac further in this field. In particular, the scientists want to develop drugs that will mimic the cancer-destroying feature of serotonin which is blocked by Prozac.

A spokeswoman for Eli Lilly, the manufacturer of Prozac, said that the research is too new for the company to make a detailed response. “It’s not something we can directly comment on because we haven’t been involved in it,” she said.

NOTE FROM Ann Blake-Tracy

Over the past decade we have learned that there is a link to antidepressants and cancer. As I discussed the research of Dr. Loren Brandes out of Canada in my book Prozac: Panacea or Pandora? which demonstrated that antidepressants do trigger cancerous growth, the damage control patrol from the drug companies rushed into full swing discrediting Dr. Brandes’ work in any way they could.

Then a couple of years ago we got new research on the huge increase in breast cancer associated with these drugs. [You can find that article by searching our ICFDA archives.]

Now we learn about the possible increased chances of brain tumors being associated with the drugs. Are we supposed to be surprised?

Of course they tell us it all has to be researched and researched and re-researched before we REALLY know if this is true. Well, if they had researched the SSRIs that much to begin with none of this research would have been necessary! Why? Because we would know that these drugs are much too dangerous both physically and psychologically to even be on the market.

And keep in mind that it generally takes many years for tobacco to cause cancer, but the courts still found that it does cause cancer and the tobacco companies were held liable for it.

Note the standard line of misinformation about serotonin. Amazing how they can remain in denial for so long with 50 years of research staring them in the face which demonstrates that serotonin is a neurotoxin and has long been known to produce most of the common adverse effects we see listed for these drugs.

The research also indicates that, “An exciting property of serotonin is that it can tell some cells to self-destruct.”

REALLY?!! Did someone NOT notice that yet about serotonin?

I noticed long ago that serotonin does a GREAT job of telling ALL the cells to self-destruct! The message comes through so clearly that obviously this is why we see so many suicides and murder/suicides with these drugs.

This information on the serotonin message to self destruct may be even more important than the brain tumor link!

[An interesting side note: The spell check on my computer picks up the word “neurotoxin” and tells me to correct it by replacing it with the word “serotonin.” So you see, even my computer has seen enough evidence to know the truth about the effects of serotonin on the brain! 🙂 ]

Ann Blake-Tracy, Executive Director, International Coalition For Drug Awareness

980 total views, 0 views today

Thanks to Prozac, I’m Surrounded by Murderers, Rapists and Worse

“The doctor said Prozac would make me happy. I’m not happy.”




I am so sorry to hear your son’s story. I am sorry I cannot contribute to his memorial fund financially, but I send you my support and prayers. (See the ICFDA Survivor Story“He Never Said Goodbye.”)

I am sure you are wondering why me, a convicted murderer, is writing. Your son and I have something in common. I was placed on Prozac in 1996 for depression. I was 18 and naïve. About three weeks into “treatment,” I became irrational. Paranoid, and violent. This was very out-of-character for me. In a week’s time, I slapped my girlfriend, beat up a friend, and purposefully crashed my truck into a stone wall. Now most people would notice they were behaving abnormally, but on Prozac, you think that you are rational, even at irrational times.

That is the best way I can explain it. I finally went over the edge on April 25th, 1996. I walked 13 miles to my father’s home in a trance-like state. I was very calm, but it was as if I was watching myself from outside.

At my father’s home, I visited with my father for a while, and in the middle of the visit while he bent over to pick something up, I shot and killed him. There was no reason for harming him. I loved my father very much. To this day, I can’t say exactly what I was thinking at that moment.

After the shooting, I turned myself in to police where I calmly confessed to the shooting. I knew now that my behavior was out of control. I told the police that the meds I was on had been making me act weird, but they didn’t want to hear my “excuses.”

Even at court, my attorney said he could find no evidence to show Prozac caused violence. The makers of Prozac even offered to aid the prosecution’s case against me. Protecting their drug al all costs.

To avoid the death penalty, I pleaded guilty to Murder Three. I am serving 22 1/2 to 60 years in a maximum security prison. I am surrounded by murderers, rapists, and worse every day. All I wanted was help. The doctor said Prozac would make me happy. I’m not happy.

Cases like your son’s and mine are not as rare as people think. I pray someday, we will find the justice we deserve and the truth will be told. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

God bless you.

Kurt Danysh
1111 Altamont Blvd.
Frackville, PA 17931



This is Survivor Story number 36.
Total number of stories in current database is 48

429 total views, no views today

Trying to Get Off Paxil

“…this drug is a living hell!!!”


I have been on Paxil for 8 months; which is of course similar to Prozac. No one told me I would know what I do know I when to my doctor for stress related anxiety and anxiety/panic attacks. I was first put on Xanax, then later Paxil, as I had seen the television commercials claiming that Paxil was the wonder drug for anxiety. I found the combination of drugs, to work well, at first; but of course your brain has only so much serotonin, to repeatedly fire into those receptors, and only for so long; as I see it.

Two months later I was essentially on a not so planned, but planned suicide mission of combining Paxil, Alprazolam, and alcohol. I don’t know how I survived it. As I had two previous DUI’s, (self medicating my anxiety disorder), I had lost my drivers license; so I was riding bicycle; someone stole my bike, so I went on another mission to get entirely messed up on Paxil, Alprazolam, anti-anxiety herbs, and alcohol. I have previously been entirely against stealing bikes, as I’ve had three stolen, of my own, (know how it feels), and believed God would give no one blessing or protection that stole things, (my philosophy, for 43 years of my life). On the day and time described above, I was arrested for stealing an old bike from behind a Casino, and I crashed it in some gravel a few blocks away; I got up like nothing happened, and proceeded to walk home, about 10 blocks. I remember coming to intersections and just standing looking all four directions, as if I was lost. I was so mentally non functional; when an officer finally pulled up, I denied knowing anything; nor had I made any effort to hide from the police, which had been following me for blocks, turning and coming back. For a $15 bike, it cost me 10 days in jail, $300 some odd dollars in fines and jail costs, and several hundred for my attorney; which was at a loss as what to tell the judge, but that my medication had been prescribed improperly, and was now of a proper kind and dosage.

Next, about three weeks ago, I was arrested for shoplifting nutritional supplements; which had become a compulsion; I just got more daring and brave, with each time I got away with it. It all seems so insane, and not part of me; disconnected depersonalized, you name it? When I sat in the Shopko, office, waiting for police officers to come; I felt like zombie, I had no emotion; other than pure hatred of the man, which caught me; thoughts ran through my head of just coming unglued, and running. I felt no shame or remorse; just felt stupid? I was so disconnected; I would have rather zoned out, and went to sleep.

For the past 2 and a half months, I have attempted to get off Paxil; first attempt was cold-turkey, because my doctor never told me anything about when or how to quit. So, that was a disaster, with severe shock waves going up and down my arms and legs. I went back on the original 20mg., and proceeded to withdraw to 10, then 5 mg. over several weeks time; going about 8 days, and if I leveled out on withdrawal, I went to the next step. Each step, was hell, each time getting zaps, migraine headaches, flu-like tiredness that went to the bone; only being able to stay at work, by increasing the dosage to eliminate some of the intensity of withdrawal. I still have nightmares; (some about shoplifting; always reliving old conflicts with people that have even been dead for years, such as my dad); this drug is a living hell!!!

I am down to taking 5 mg. about every 2 to 3 days, if/when symptoms reappear. I tried staying at 2.5mg; but that seemed to have little affect; and liquid Paxil is said on back order, at the pharmacies I checked; at least my doctor had sense enough to attempt to get me that; after ridiculing me in hatred for coming in his office and telling him he did not know his drugs; also telling me he did not appreciate me telling him how to run his practice, when I asked for Xanax to be re prescribed, to help me sleep, and get through withdrawal. I had not had any Xanax, for about three months. He told me it was too addictive! I relied that I fully understand that; but at least I had no problem, or withdrawal, getting off that before!
310-11th St. N.E.
Watertown, S.D. 57201



This is Survivor Story number 37.
Total number of stories in current database is 48

323 total views, no views today