ANTIDEPRESSANTS & FLORIDA SCHOOL SHOOTING RADIO SHOW FRIDAY MORNING

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SCHOOL SHOOTINGS: The Evidence Antidepressants Are The Cause

Because so many are posting our database of cases of school shootings on Facebook with no explanation of the antidepressant connection, I thought I should post it here on our website as a blog so that it is easier to share with others especially with this latest school shooting in Florida and when yet another school violence episode erupts so they too will have this information to share and educate others about the involvement of antidepressants in school shootings.

President Trump’s Official Statement on Florida Shooting: https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600daily/

My Response: THIS IS NOT A GUN ISSUE AND IT IS NOT A MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE! IT IS A DRUG ISSUE – PRESCRIPTION DRUG ISSUE!!! I have worked these cases as an expert for three decades and the common denominator in them all is the use of an antidepressant – drugs that work very similarly to PCP!

PCP & LSD produce hallucinations by mimicking serotonin. And how do antidepressants work? They are designed to gradually increase serotonin so you get a gradual emerging of hallucinations or psychosis. In that way it appears that the patient is going crazy rather than the drug producing the effect thereby distancing the cause and effect and avoiding personal injury lawsuits.

Creative? It sure was! Thankfully if we can get them into court we have been able to show the evidence clearly with even their own experts testifying that what we should expect from the way these drugs act upon the brain is impulsive murder and suicide! The science is clear as a bell! But no one is hearing that because there is too much money being made on these drugs.

 

Shockingly Prophetic 1999 Pharmacist Comment on Antidepressants & School Shootings in 2019

In about 1999 I was contacted by a pharmacist who said the nicest woman in town had come regularly to get her prescription of Prozac from him until she went to prison for killing her husband. This was one message I received from him that I think the whole world needs to hear……

“The symptoms I see in patients who use/abuse serotonergic drugs of any form…could aptly be described as the “Hitler syndrome” (over-confidence in one’s own policies or decisions, no fear of consequences, criminal behavior, death of people close to the abuser as the preferred method of solving problems in the abuser’s life, coldness and lack of humanity). I feel that in twenty years or less we will be confronted not with one Hitler but with thousands or millions… numbers so great that we will be forced to interact with their distorted thinking on a daily basis. (Littleton, CO., Riverton,KS., Jonesboro, AR., eventually little Hitlers in every town in America will grow up into BIG HITLERS) It is happening right now. The most insidious factor about long-term serotonin abuse is that it enhances the individual’s persona to the point that they are able to manipulate others into their way of thinking just as Hitler did. This causes the distorted thinking, abnormal behavior, and loss of morality to spread like a contagion to otherwise normal people who have not even been exposed to the drugs. Those on the drugs are converted by the pharmacologic/physiologic processes into sociopathic demagogues.

“Do you have any comments on these thoughts, Ann? Please respond. Tell me we are not the only ones who see what is happening to our world!”

In Answer to: “Where do these school shooters come from? Broken homes?”

The Question: “Where do these school shooters come from? Broken homes?”

My answer: No! They come from their local doctor’s office after they have been given drugs very similar in action to a slow fuse version of PCP (Angel Dust) or LSD.

 

The Only School Shooter to Ever Speak Out

to Answer the Question, WHY?

If you watch the video below of the only school shooter to ever speak out about what happened to him while his father sits with him supporting him, you will see no broken home, no previous problems with behavior. This was a wonderful family on a farm in western Washington state with a shy 16 year old boy preparing to finish his Eagle Scout soon and then leave on a two year mission for the LDS Church. His shyness was the reason a doctor prescribed Paxil for him.

 

Why I Took a Gun to School….Farm Boy, 16, & His Father 

Click picture below to view:

Columbine Survivor, Mark Taylor Testimony Before the FDA

 News Report: School Shooter and Victim Join Forces

It is NOT mental illness. It is NOT guns, or any

other type of weapon, that fuels the violence…

It is not mental illness. It is not guns, but rather drugs we are calling “medications” which have suicidal and homicidal ideation listed as side effects! And I make that statement after being called as a court expert on these shootings since 1992 and spending 25 years tracking and documenting the shootings. This is the only possible cause that actually admits it can cause this. A gun does not start shooting on its own, but these drugs list homicidal ideation and suicidal ideation as a side effect. Ideation is constant ruminating obsessive and compulsive thoughts of killing along with the same thoughts of various methods of killing…thoughts compulsive enough to lead to action!

From several of the posts on these school shootings on our main web site at www.drugawareness.org I give you the following evidence to prove it is the drugs!

Database With Documentation of  School Shooters on Antidepressants

Click Link Below to View Database With Medications Listed & News Story on Each Case

http://www.drugawareness.org/ssri-nightma…/school-shootings/

Serotonin THEORY is Backwards!

Sheriff Richard Mack Testifies to FDA on School Shootings & Antidepressants

Michael Moore on School Shootings & Antidepressants, NOT Guns as He Featured in “Bowling for Columbine”

Database of 5000 cases including school shootings:
www.ssristories.NET

We Speak For The Dead to Protect the Living

 

Study: Excess Serotonin – Key to Human Violence

USC study on serotonin and violence:
Science: Mutant Mice Hold the Key to Human Violence – an Excess of Serotonin
– Exactly What Antidepressants Are Designed to Increase

Read the following link on this very important study:

 http://www.drugawhttp://www.drugawareness.org/mutant-mice-key-to-human-violence-an-excess-serotonin

Understanding This Serotonin Nightmare

REM Sleep Disorder (RBD) – 86% Antidepressant-Induced

REM Sleep Disorder (RBD) is a condition during which, one lacks to normal paralysis during sleep thus allowing one to act out their worst nightmare in a dream state. (Corey’s case above is a perfect example of this) It is also known that 80% of those going into the REM Sleep Disorder hurt themselves or someone else, including both murder and suicide. Yet how many are aware that 86% of those being diagnosed with this most deadly of all sleep disorders have been found to currently be taking an antidepressant?  We do have a Facebook group on this deadly sleep disorder…

No automatic alt text available.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/106704639660883/

To date no research has been done to show how often this happens in antidepressant withdrawal even though RBD has long been known to be a drug withdrawal state. It should be expected to be far higher in withdrawal and yet we already have 86% involving patients currently taking these drugs.

Here is an interesting article on the REM Sleep Disorder:

http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/story?id=3919672&page=1


Kauffman Study on antidepressants and violence:

“Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor Drugs: More Risks Than Benefits”


http://www.drugawareness.org/ssri-fac…/kauffman-ssri-study/1

 

SO WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THIS FLORIDA SHOOTER?

NOTE: For those of you who follow my work you will notice all of the obvious medication side effects and keep in mind that  63% of autistic children are prescribed antidepressants

…He is currently on suicide watch.

…He heard voices telling him what to do in the shooting (hallucinating).

…He was adopted along with his brother and it appears he was possibly suffering from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome  or had been exposed to drugs in the womb.

…He was depressed and in therapy after his mother’s sudden death from the flu in November…

According to the judge in the hearing on the Division of Family Services record held on Monday after the shooting on Valentine’s Day  this young man  was being medicated  for depression , autism ,  and ADHD .  It appears this young shooter had been drugged with these drugs for years and most likely either got an increase in dose in November when his mother died or went off the drugs cold turkey because his mother was not there to force him to take his pills. either way  the same  resulting scenario  could be expected because the FDA has warned  that any abrupt change in dose of an antidepressant, whether increasing or decreasing the dose can produce suicide, hostility,  or psychosis.  And here is neurologist, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, of CNN confirming that warning…

This was the same scenario with Eric Harris at Columbine. His dose of antidepressant was increased just two months before the shooting even though when first given one of these drugs (Zoloft) within 3 weeks Eric was reporting that he was having homicidal ideation (a listed side effect which is an obsession with killing). So they gave him a different SSRI antidepressant! Why doctors seem to think that they are going to achieve a different outcome if they spell the name of a drug differently even though they work exactly the same is beyond me!

http://abcnews.go.com/US/florida-school-shooter-methodically-moved-classrooms-execute-victims/story?id=53112929

“The 19-year-old who is accused of killing 17 people and injuring dozens more when he opened fire on a South Florida high school Wednesday afternoon told investigators that he heard voices in his head, giving him instructions on what to do to conduct the attack, law enforcement sources told ABC News.

“The voices were described as “demons” by law enforcement sources.

“Those who knew suspect Nikolas Cruz described him as a troubled teen who was largely alone in the world. An attorney for the family who had taken Cruz in after his adoptive mother died said he was “depressed” following her death but had been going to therapy, while a student who participated in Junior ROTC with Cruz described him as a “psycho” who was enthusiastic about weapons.”

Family reported he has been “troubled” for years and was in therapy & thought to be on medication. Both parents are dead, his father died when he was four & his mother died suddenly in November of the flu…

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/fla-high-school-shooter-identified-gun-obsessed-teen-article-1.3821299

“A relative said Cruz, who was adopted at birth along with his biological younger brother by an older couple, has had a hard few years. His father died when Cruz was much younger and his mother died last year, she said.

“I know he did have some issues, and he may have been taking medication,” said Cruz’s aunt, Barbara Kumbatovich, whose sister died in November. “He did have some kind of emotional difficulties.”

He had obsession with guns, killed small animals, was on medication according to his aunt.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/community/broward/article200126034.html

“Roger Cruz died over a decade ago and Lynda struggled with the boys, said Barbara Kumbatovich, a former sister-in-law. “She did the best she could. “They were adopted and had some emotional issues,” she said.

“Kumbatovich said she believed Nikolas Cruz was on medication to deal with his emotional fragility. “She was struggling with Nikolas the last couple years,” she said.

“After his mother died, Cruz moved in with a friend, whose family in Broward took him in and even gave him own bedroom. He worked at a dollar store and went to a school for at-risk youth, said Fort Lauderdale attorney Jim Lewis, who is representing the family.

“Cruz had his AR-15, but the family asked that gun remain locked up in a cabinet, Lewis said. On Wednesday morning, Cruz slept in and gave only a cryptic reason why.”

***Video Update***

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Free Documentary Gut-Brain & Autoimmune Diseases

Your Host, Jonathan Otto

In Episode 5 we’ll look more into how the whole gut-brain connection works and how that can help on the road to recovery.

INTRODUCTION…..

GO HERE TO WATCH EPISODE 5 – WATCH WHILE IT’S LIVE!!!

DON’T MISS THIS FREE VIEWING WHILE IT IS LIVE…..

We’ll be covering:

  • Gut Health: Crohn’s, Colitis, IBS, Leaky Gut, Allergies
  • Mental Health: ACES, Depression, Anxiety

Be sure to tune in and watch Episode 5 here

You definitely want to see this one. :-).

After you watch, help us spread the word by commenting in the section below the video and sharing.

Thanks in advance, and I’ll see you soon.

With love,

Jonathan Otto
Autoimmune Secrets

As an investigative journalist and film director Jonathan has produced several popular films covering innovative & effective approaches to cancer, autoimmune disease, neurodegenerative disease, and heart disease. His work has been featured in international TV broadcast, print media, national news, and radio broadcast. He received the awards, Young Citizen of the Year and International Volunteer of the Year by the Australian government for international humanitarian contributions, which he continues to support. He and his wife, Lori, reside in San Diego, California

Click here to watch: 

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ANTIDEPRESSANTS: Four Soldiers From the 1451st Transport Co. Kill Themselves

NOTE FROM Ann Blake-Tracy (www.drugawareness.org): How many soldiers do we need to lose to suicide before we wake up to the fact that the FDA has warned about increased suicide in those in this age group who take antidepressants??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paragraph 38 reads: “Even if a veteran seeks out that help, it might not be enough. It wasn’t in Blaylock’s case — or, for that matter, in any of the cases of the four members of the 1451st who came home and committed suicide. Each of the four made at least some effort to get help from the VA, and each was prescribed an antidepressant.”

http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090902/NEWS/909020387

Day 4: ‘Where’s the line between people’s rights and enforcing help?’

Military, VA confront host of thorny issues in trying to prevent veterans’ suicides

By Konrad Marshall

Posted: September 2, 2009Read Comments(6)RecommendE-mail Print ShareA A If there is something that might help returning soldiers better adjust to civilian life — something that might help tame the inner demons of war — it is mandatory, intensive and long-term counseling.

It wasn’t required when Sgt. Jacob Blaylock and three other soldiers in the 1451st Transportation Company returned home nearly 2 1/2 years ago and later ended their own lives. Although some are receiving more counseling now, that follow-up work still is not required and, for various reasons, might never be.

There are numerous obstacles, but these are foremost: It’s difficult to determine how likely someone is to commit suicide — an issue made more difficult because soldiers often don’t seek help or acknowledge and discuss problems. Also, requiring extensive screenings and follow-ups could infringe on the rights of veterans who are now civilians.

The military and the Department of Veterans Affairs are left to perform something akin to mental health triage — a focus on the most obvious and severe cases. For the rest, it’s a quick assessment and an along-you-go, hope-for-the-best.

That works fine for many. But the VA and military have no effective way to monitor and counsel those whose anguish is more subtle — or purposely masked — whose depression deepens over time amid the nightmares of war and troubles at work or at home.

The military puts most of its effort into its demobilization process, required of all returning soldiers. The process is designed to prepare soldiers for a return to civilian life and to assess their physical and mental health.

When Blaylock and his comrades in the 1451st demobilized at Camp Atterbury, it was a three- to five-day process. Today, it’s a five- to seven-day process in which soldiers undergo mandatory reintegration briefings and one-on-one sessions with mental health counselors.

But it is also during demobilization that two competing interests emerge. Mental health workers want to make sure soldiers are OK. Soldiers want to go home.

“They ask you, ‘Do you have any issues?’ You say, ‘No,’ because a soldier wants to get home,” said Staff Sgt. Robert Mullis, an active-duty commander with the 1451st in Boone, N.C. “All these things they ask you about, the answer is ‘No,’ because you want to get home. Then you get home and you have medical issues or employment issues, or you figure out maybe you should have had counseling.”

Lt. Col. Timothy Holtke, director of Personnel and Civilian Affairs at Camp Atterbury, said the Army understands that and is getting better about probing each soldier’s mind-set.

“We want to dig a little deeper than ‘Hey, soldier, how are you doing?’ ” Holtke said. “If they’re having an issue, we want to pull it out of them.”

That said, Holtke and others acknowledged that soldiers will try to placate clinicians in order to finish faster.

“We know soldiers do that,” said Dr. Marsha Rockey, the only psychologist with the Department of Behavioral Health at Camp Atterbury, where more than 7,000 soldiers are processed each year. “Do we catch 100 percent of them? I’m sure we don’t. But we tell them: ‘Our goal is not to keep you; it’s to keep you safe.’ ”

Staff Sgt. Brian Laguardia is a national advocate for returning veterans and one of five former soldiers who did a national public service announcement with Tom Hanks for the group Welcome Back Vets. He also was a member of the 1451st and a friend of Blaylock’s.

Recalling the 1451st’s demobilization at Camp Atterbury, Laguardia said, “They did as little as they could to hold us back, to keep us from going home. Really quickly, they had us out of there. There’s a real need to make the transfer slower, more than a couple of weeks even.”

But there is a practical concern: Bringing troops home earlier to give them more time to demobilize would require calling up other troops more quickly.

Holtke said that already is a problem.

“Nobody anticipated that these contingency operations would go on as long as they have,” he said. “You have reserve soldiers going on third and fourth tours, which was just inconceivable 20 years ago.”

Mullis said another issue is the timing of demobilization. He advocates going home for two weeks, then being required to report to the demobilization site, “so you know what issues you’re facing.”

Dr. Cheryl Sweeney, who works every day with veterans of Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom, understands this all too clearly.

“We live in a society that wants to be about peace and friendliness and understanding, and combat veterans — especially fresh combat veterans — are about protection and defensiveness and sometimes a lot of anger and hostility,” she said. “It’s hard to mesh those two realities.”

Rick Blaylock, Jacob’s father, and many others said they think there should be mandatory check-ins and behavioral screenings long after deployment, whether quarterly or every six months, to detect and treat symptoms that appear over time.

As it is, once they leave the military, the onus is on individual veterans to seek help.

And that’s not always the way of a soldier.

“When you come back from overseas,” Mullis said, “you’re a different creature than when you left. Things change in a year. It’s hard. Life’s hard. People see stuff. They experience stuff that changes them. There’s personal guilt.

“I think some don’t seek the help they need soon enough. Pride gets in the way. All your military life you’re told you’re strong enough.”

At Camp Atterbury, there are signs that try to cut through that culture: “Never Leave a Fallen Comrade: Buddies Can Prevent Suicide” and “Not All Wounds Are Visible.”

Laguardia supports the VA but thinks the Army should make it mandatory for soldiers to register there.

“Check in on them. That’s why you’re in charge,” he said. “Just like when you’re a sergeant and you come off mission and you say, ‘I know you’re exhausted right now, but you have to clean your weapons.’ I think there’s such a stigma on going to a mental health screening that they have to make it mandatory.”

But can they?

“In some ways, we do wish that we were able to do that,” said Jan Kemp, the national suicide prevention coordinator for the Department of Veterans Affairs. “In other ways, veterans have truly left the military, and their control over their own lives is important. I think we walk a fine line there.”

Sweeney, who is the Seamless Transition psychiatrist with the Roudebush Veterans Affairs Medical Center in Indianapolis, agrees.

“So where’s the line between people’s rights and enforcing help?” she said. “I wish there were no pain in the world. But philosophically — not to mention practically — you’re kind of stuck.”

Kemp noted that a number of systems are in place to help veterans through their problems, including the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which has taken more than 150,000 calls in two years; the suicide prevention coordinators put in place at all VA offices; and the Seamless Transition staff designed to deal with veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The Army has its own programs, such as the Yellow Ribbon campaign and Military OneSource — tools for checking up on soldiers and dealing with the issues they face. But all the programs are voluntary.

“That’s probably my biggest concern,” Rockey said. “I wish there was some system set up, because they don’t know what issues they’ll have in 30 days, 60 days, 90 days or 180 days.

“We try to tell them where to go, what their resources are, but when they’re coming through here (during demobilization), you see it — ‘La la la.’ ‘What do I have to do?’ ‘What’s my next checked box?’ — so how much they retain is a big question mark.”

Even if a veteran seeks out that help, it might not be enough. It wasn’t in Blaylock’s case — or, for that matter, in any of the cases of the four members of the 1451st who came home and committed suicide. Each of the four made at least some effort to get help from the VA, and each was prescribed an antidepressant.

Blaylock’s medical records indicate he was suffering post-traumatic stress disorder and possible traumatic brain injury, and that he was talking and thinking about suicide. His father thinks that should have been enough to “keep him off the streets.”

Sweeney acknowledged that circumstances often suggest a suicide could have been prevented somehow.

“But how?” she asked. “The bottom line is that a veteran can only be forced into 72-hour supervised care if they are imminently suicidal. Not like, ‘Some day we think this could turn bad.’ More like, ‘Today. If we let you go home we’re afraid you’ll kill yourself today.’ ”

Although it may be difficult to know just when a soldier such as Blaylock becomes imminently suicidal, it was clear in his case that he had issues.

The psychologists at the VA knew. His friends, fiancee and members of his family knew. His fellow soldiers knew. He knew.

And it appears the Army knew, almost from the beginning of his service.

Blaylock entered the Army at age 17 and was discharged two years later after suffering from depression and being diagnosed with a personality disorder that was not discussed further in his medical records.

He was recalled for active duty four years later. But during training, more than one fellow soldier told Army mental health staff they had concerns about Blaylock’s state of mind.

Blaylock was deemed fit to serve, however, and by all accounts served his country well.

Ultimately, the more difficult question may be whether Blaylock was fit to return home. The timing of the explosion that killed his two friends — and left him riddled with guilt — couldn’t have been much worse.

In Iraq, he had developed close relationships with people he thought understood what he had been through. He was especially close to those, like himself, who were members of the Individual Ready Reserve — soldiers who were brought back to fulfill military commitments.

Leaving Iraq meant leaving the war, but it also ripped a fragile, sensitive young man from the people he trusted most — his IRR brothers — at a time when he needed them the most.

Sgt. Riley Palmertree, 29, served in the 1451st and was a friend of Blaylock’s. He is building a library of material for a documentary about the suicides. He has heard people ask whether it would have been prudent to keep the unit in Iraq for a month or two after the deaths of Sgts. Brandon Wallace and Joshua Schmit so close to the end of their deployment.

He even answers the question as part of a treatment he wants to submit to magazines:

“We could know the future no more than we could have stayed together forever in Neverland. I know for some it must be hard to understand, how such a hellish place could be likened to that, but it wasn’t the place; it was the IRR. We were the place. I do know that with us, Jackie was safe. Of that I am certain.”

Palmertree likened the situation to “boys at camp.”

“I think Jackie craved that as much as I did, as much as the rest of us did,” Palmertree told The Star. “He loved it, every moment of it, every time we wrestled with him. He was like a little dog nipping at our heels.”

Sweeney said there is no simple solution to the problem — that keeping a unit together for the sake of one at-risk soldier, even for a few weeks, could put other soldiers at risk.

“Who’s to say the best thing for a given soldier might not be to go home?” Sweeney said. “That’s the challenge that command faces.

“You’ve got to keep in mind you’re dealing with millions of people, and automatically that means you’re dealing with thousands of answers. What’s right for one person is going to be the worst possible thing for someone else.”

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My SSRI Experience

“When I held a knife, I could see in my mind me killing my family and then killing myself.”

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my experience. It all starts back to December, 2003, in which my life started to take a change. I am only thirteen years old, I was only twelve then, when I started to experience mild depression. If anyone has heard the Stacie Orrico song “There’s Gotta Be More To Life” that’s exactly how I felt. I’ve had a pretty decent childhood, I mean, yeah, there’s been some hard times, but not nearly as bad as others had it.

Anyways, I got this feeling like there was something missing. It could’ve just been me being a young teenager dealing with her raging hormones. But whatever it was, it was causing a disruption in my life. I had always made extremely good grades, (All A’s and one B in math) and I usually got along with everyone. I went to a psychiatrist because I couldn’t sleep at night and I was feeling sad a lot. He diagnosed me with Social Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Major Depression Disorder.

I had been obsessed with mental health a few months before, so I knew all about these disorders already. In fact, I had printed out maybe 300 pages on different psychiatric disorders. I was convinced I was in the prodigal stages of Schizophrenia, but my doctor laughed it off and said “No way.” He prescribed Lexapro, an alleged “miracle drug” because it had few, mild side effects and it would supposedly help with all three of my disorders. It was a miracle drug, for a while. For about three weeks I was feeling on top of the world. My grades picked up, I was making more friends, and I wasn’t arguing with my steady boyfriend like usual. Then, it all went downhill. I started to feel like something was watching me, and I would have out of body experiences. When I got especially tired, I would feel like I didn’t really exist and it was all a dream. I became obsessed with gothic and dark things.

My whole personality changed. I began by gothic clothing and! I was crying every night for no apparent reason. Even more, I started having heated arguments with my mother, worse than usual. I began to get defiant, cussing, getting interested in alcohol, and thinking getting in trouble was fun. Two months into taking the medication, (going from 10mg to 15 mg) I was in a counselor’s office when I had a panic attack. I really felt like a demon was possessing me. I was crying wildly, saying that I would find a way to kill myself even if my family took all the dangerous objects away. I was that desperate to die. I even began talking to a seventeen year old boy, sending him suggestive pictures of myself over the internet and meeting with him behind my parents’ back.

In the counselor’s office, she suggested my mother take me to the hospital to be put in a crisis unit. When I got there, I was completely numb to all emotion. The psychiatrist there was a complete crackpot. He had no idea what he was doing and diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder just because my grandmother was Bipolar. To make things worse, HE ASKED FOR A LIST OF WHAT MY GRANDMOTHER TOOK.

He gave me the exact same medication, same dose. What an idiot! So I was on 800mg of Depakote and some number of Ambien. Ambien totally knocked me out. I turned into a loaf and slept all day. The Depakote made me have extremely bad cramps and feelings of paranoia. When I got out of the crisis unit four days later, my psychiatrist took me off Depakote and put me back on Lexapro.

I went home thinking everything was going to be okay. Hah! A few days later, while blasting a gothic rock CD, I had my first self-mutilating experience. It wasn’t much, but I cut myself with a blunt kitchen knife. I did enough damage to bleed a little, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. From then on, it became a habit. Now, my step dad collects daggers and swords and hangs them on the wall. I always looked, but I never touched. Around that time, 8th grade started up and I was nervous as hell. For around three days, I had no friends and no one wanted to talk to me because I was so out of it. I finally made some friends with Gothic’s like me, and I felt a little better.

But most nights, I went home crying and sitting in my closet. I would sit there in my walk in closet, with lights out and cry. And sometimes when my parents weren’t home, I’d take a pencil eraser and erase the skin on my thighs until it bled. I had about 15 incidents in which I erased my skin. I completely shut myself out from my parents and ignored them. I was rude and mean to my stepsisters. Then the time came that I built up the nerve to actually do some damage. I took a sharp dagger off the wall, blasted Evanescence as loud as it could go, and sliced my thighs 11 times, and watched myself bleed. I allowed myself to lay there and bleed, and it brought me great pleasure to know that I was dying inside. I started to laugh manically, so enthralled with my loss of blood. I wanted to cry until I laughed so hard it kill! ed me. I wanted to scream and release everything inside of me. I wanted to binge and throw up my guts. All these violent images flooded my head. When I held a knife, I could see in my mind me killing my family and then killing myself.

That brought me intense fear because I loved my family very much. In church, I would cuss God out in my head and see disturbing images of people being dismembered. My moods were swinging so badly, that my doctor put me on the antipsychotic, Risperdal. In just three months, it went from 0.5mg to 1.5 mg. (3.0 mg is a fairly high dosage) In February of 2004, I attempted suicide. I was at the ultimate rock bottom. I hated myself, I was lost in these violent thoughts, and I wanted to burn in Hell. I had no other pills, so I overdosed on pamprin.

Yes, it sounds stupid, but I was desperate. My mother found out and called the ambulance. They were not compassionate at all, and the nurse gladly shoved a tube up my nose. My stomach was pumped for six hours through a tube in my nose, and I threw up charcoal four times, not to mention it came out the other end twice. (Both times I asked for a bed pan and they took their sweet time and made me stain the sheets)

I was then Baker Acted and sent back to the crisis unit of the hospital. Four days later, I was out. Then my mother told me she was sending me to a residential. I stayed at the residential for 6 weeks, begging to come home each night. They discharged me, hoping I was better. I threw out my gothic CD’s, clothes, and stuff like that. Right now, I’m trying to repair my relationships with family and friends. But still, I feel like I have to chase down each temporary high. I truly feel that these medications did not help me whatsoever, if not made me worse. I will be hopefully taken off medications tomorrow, and I will have to go through the withdrawal process.

I strongly advise using natural remedies for depression. I feel that these antidepressants and antipsychotics do nothing for you at all, they just turn into another addictive drug like heroine or LSD. If you’re having the same problem I am, hang in there. I know we can make it through.

Holly Easter
rikuina@yahoo.com

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