“They ruined me. I am damaged goods forever.”
I am a mom of three, married and now (sort of) normal – although I have bouts of depression I have managed to maintain some sense of sanity, wellas much as I can considering I messed my life up by using Klonopin and Prozac and Paxil.
In the beginning of my usage of anti depressants (1993) the docs tried me on everything, amitriptilyne, BusPar, Serzone, and many many others that I cannot remember (my memory is still kind of crappy, can you tell?)
I had clinical depression and anxiety. Panic attacks anxiety and thoughts of suicide.
In 1994 the doc put me on a mixture of Prozac and Klonopin. This was the most horrible thing that ever happened to me. I was a crappy mom, thank god (or whatever) I had a great patient husband to stick by me and take care of the kids! I also began to think I was kind of like superman. I thought I could do anything, even break the law and get away with it. I did break the law and ended up on felony probation for 5 years (actually 2 five years sentences running concurrently) for “felony intimidation”. That wrecked my life BIG TIME — you have no idea. I once had dreams and goals, and they all came to a crashing halt from that. On Prozac I was violent. I broke my hand twice from punching walls, and I was more suicidal than ever. I had a noose ready in the basement, hidden in the beams – for “just in case” and I used to go down there alone and swing on it to test its strength and plan on how I was going to do it (kill myself) one day soon.
The klonopin – I thought it was a great drug for four years, I called it “my drunk in a pill”. I gained 70 pounds from all of these pills, I lost hair, I have terrible skin/acne, I was agoraphobic and afraid of everyone, and I basically sunk to the lowest level I could ever get to. I wouldnt go for groceries, I wouldn’t leave the house, and I hid in dark depression taking my Paxil and Klonopin…thinking it was helping me.
1997 springtime, I put myself through detox/drug rehab to get off of Klonopin. I couldn’t do it alone and had tried many many many times. They tapered me off, and I went home and three days later my world shattered. I had severe withdrawal, ringing in my ears, stomach cramps, no memory – so much more -I sincerely thought I was brain damaged forever. It took 6 weeks of hell to start to feel better. That was the tip of the iceberg though. I still suffer many things, like a terrible memory and TOTAL feelings of confusion.
I tapered off of Paxil (the antidepressant I was put on after Prozac made me so freaking weird), and now (2001) I get by breathing and taking vitamins and just coping on my own without depending or hoping there is a cure in a pill.
Needless to say, I am an ex-felon now. My name was all over the front page of newspapers. I am embarrassed to fill out a job app because they want to know your criminal history, and my life is altered because of these so called “helpful” miracle drugs. I screwed my kids, my husband and myself by taking these pills. I embarrassed and humiliated my family; I wrecked my life, and caused innocent people to fear for their lives.
I would suggest to anyone, try to get through whatever is happening in your life without taking these pills. They mess up your head. They are all physically addicting (even though docs tell you different) and they can ruin you.
They ruined me. I am damaged goods forever.
I feel sorry for my kids.
Do NOT take these pills!
DO NOT TAKE THESE PILLS and if you are on them or know someone who is, HELP them to stop before they wreck their life or someone else’s.
If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have a criminal record.
This is Survivor Story number 17.
Total number of stories in current database is 34