“I thought I’d seek assistance for being a little shy.” “..Paxil ruined my brain.”
Last year, as I was facing my final two semesters of college, I thought I’d seek assistance for being a little shy. I thought it’d be helpful to lose the shyness so that I could better function in the seminar classes that I had to take prior to graduation. Further, I believed that it would help me when I finally went out to look for my first big job. I talked with a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and they finally gave me Paxil.
Paxil makes one do things he or she wouldn’t normally do. It makes you care about little to nothing other than, perhaps, making yourself happy. One just stops considering the consequences.
Prior to taking the drug, I had a 4.0 GPA, a perfect driving record, perfect credit, and got along well with just about everyone around me. Within two weeks of going on it, I received my first ticket for allegedly running a stop sign. The police officer actually had me get out of the car because my eyes gave him the impression that I was on Meth or drunk. Another cop pulled up in a second car to cover me from another angle, while holding a flashlight on me. They treated me like I was dangerous or something! When I told him that I was taking Paxil, he informed me that I could be arrested for being under the influence of it. Eventually he let me go.
A week or two later, I was involved in my first auto accident. I was driving at an unsafe speed. While on the drug, I did a lot of weaving through traffic. I suddenly became the worst driver in the world. One night it caught up with me, as I lost the ability to differentiate the shoulder of the road and the driving lanes. I ended up hitting some markers on the left side of the freeway, then sliding across three lanes into sand-filled barrels on the other side. My car and the barrels were destroyed. When I was in Urgent Care following the accident, a trauma doctor told me that I should consider getting off Paxil. He noticed that I didn’t even seem to be all that effected by the fact that I had just been involved in a major accident, which could have taken my life, the lives of others’, and which did destroy my car. He told me that most anyone else would have been crying and shaking, but my heart rate was pretty calm. Over the next month or so, I was stopped a total of three more times and received one additional citation. This means I’m just one ticket away from losing my license here.
In addition to driving problems, I let my work in school slide as well. I was near the end of college. It was a shame. Paxil made me to where I did not care about my classes. I just decided that finals weren’t important, and I didn’t bother to study for them. I still managed to get A’s in all but one class, but in one class, I failed the final and received a D on my transcript. Suddenly my GPA fell from 4.0 to 3.88.
With regard to credit, I went out and charged all of my credit cards to the max, without worrying about whether or not I could pay them off. Deep down inside, I had the delusion that I could easily cover the bills. When the bills started to come, I could only pay them for so long. Eventually I started to have trouble doing so. Now my credit is terrible.
Finally, I was cold toward my family and friends. I was not too worried about hurting anyone. People became objects to me. I had no emotions. I felt little to nothing. My thoughts were not right. When you don’t care about anything, you can be a destructive individual.
When I finally tried to come off the drug after a couple of months, I had difficulty doing so. I became very sick with flu-like symptoms, but I never get sick from the flu. For about a month, I threw up three to four times a day. I couldn’t get the thought of dying off of my mind. My regular physician couldn’t help me get better. So I eventually entered the hospital. After a night there, things started to get better. I threw up just a few more times.
Even though I quit the drug, I couldn’t make the consequences magically disappear. They’re still there, and a model life has been destroyed. Now I’m shy again. And who knows? Maybe Paxil damaged my brain. I don’t feel like I’m as sharp as I used to be. Thank God I didn’t physically hurt anyone else or myself (other than the minor injuries sustained in the auto accident). I imagine that it can be much worse for others, especially those who have serious personal problems prior to taking the drug.
12/8/2001
This is Survivor Story number 32.
Total number of stories in current database is 34
